Sexting is, no doubt, an art of the 21st century. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or you just started seeing someone new, sending dirty texts (consensually, of course) is one of the hottest ways to show someone you want them… preferably, ASAP. Even if you feel a little awkward initiating a sexting conversation, it turns out there are benefits to dirty talk that might make it worth the butterflies.
Not only can sexting be a spicy way to connect with your partner on another level, but it also boosts trust, says Pia Holec, PsyD, a psychotherapist and sex therapist based in Chicago. “We’re communicating about what we want to do to one another,” she says.
Sexting can also be a fun way to get in the mood—because after all, foreplay starts long before you reach the bedroom, adds Emily Jamea, PhD, LPC, LMFT, a sex therapist based in Houston. “Sexting is a great way to let your partner know that you're thinking of them (which builds emotional intimacy) and that you desire them (which enhances physical intimacy),” she explains. “So essentially, you're knocking out two birds with one stone, all with a simple text.”
That said, sexting with a partner can feel pretty intimidating, especially if it’s your first time or it’s been a while. What should you say? What should you not say? Will they be into it? If you’ve ever sent a sext that made you blush from embarrassment, you may have thrown out the idea of sexting altogether with your old flip phone.
“There’s a fear sexting will be awkward, or you’ll have to create a certain environment you’re not used to,” Holec says. “That builds to an, ‘Oh my gosh, what am I going to sound like?’” Fortunately, though, you don’t have to feel like a sex goddess 24/7 to partake in sexting, and even a little flirting over text can go a long way. If you’re struggling with a prompt, Holec suggests drawing from past memories or where you like to be touched (by yourself or a partner) and setting the mood from there.
There's no need to think up some X-rated smut if that’s not your thing. Instead, some experts recommend using language you already use to flirt and tease your partner—and, know that sexting isn’t only about the words you use. “Sexting is all the things,” says Shamyra Howard, LCSW, a sexologist in Baton Rouge. Think: pictures (sans face, just in case), porn clips, voice notes, erotica, et cetera. You can even give your partner positive affirmations or talk about a new toy you’re about to take for a spin.
Sometimes, sexting is more about creating and teasing a fantasy, rather than achieving orgasm, says sexpert and Sweet Vibes spokesperson Tyomi Morgan. And while it can be super hot to put those sexts into action the next time you see your partner, Howard says you can sext just to enjoy the eroticism, too.
How To Sext
1. Establish consent, boundaries, and expectations ahead of time.
Before you hit send, the first thing to consider is your partner’s consent and comfort level. If you know they might squirm a little at the thought of you typing out exactly where and how you want them to touch you tonight, check in with them first about their desires and boundaries in advance.
“Having the conversation ahead of time sets the expectations and then allows for someone to put the brakes on if something feels like it crosses the line,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist and sex educator Megan Torrey-Payne, LCSW. You might agree on a safe word to use, she adds. “And it should go without saying that if a sexting partner says that something isn’t comfortable or has crossed a line, that the person sending the sext should be respectful and stop or redirect in a more comfortable direction.”
You can also set boundaries on what specifically turns you both on, and what doesn’t. Torrey-Payne recommends asking each other (and yourselves) what you like, how explicit you want things to get, whether or not you want photos included, and what makes you feel most empowered and sexy.
2. Start slow, and don't rush the process.
When it comes to really getting into it, slow and steady wins the race to… finish. “You can go with a slow, sexy start, and write something like, ‘I just want to kiss you slowly up your neck until I get to your lips.’” Torrey-Payne says. “Another idea is: ‘I can’t think of anything but kissing you.’ Or, ‘Last night was amazing. You know exactly how to touch me.’ Those are really simple, not too explicit, and also super sexy.”
Sending your S.O. a more PG-13 text about how you just want to make out with them as soon as you get home can really amp up your normal conversations about groceries or the dog, and set you up for a sexy night together.
3. Describe exactly what you're doing.
It can be intimidating to jump into a steamy convo via text, especially if you’ve never done it before. But it might be as simple as looking around you and using details to paint a (sexy) picture.
"Getting started can be the most daunting part of this whole process," says Gigi Engle, ACS, sex expert at Feeld and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life. So, take things slow and pull inspo from your surroundings. Describe what you're wearing, what you're doing, or what you'd like to do later. And, hey, if where you are or what you're doing isn't particularly hot, you have permission to embellish a bit.
"You can say you’re naked in bed when you’re actually reading a book in your pajamas. Your partner doesn’t know the difference," Engle says.
4. Explore what turns both of you on.
If the thought of describing your underwear or how you plan to use your tongue later makes you cringe, you’re not alone. Plenty of people have trouble developing their sexting skills, which sometimes keeps them from even trying. However, exploring exactly what you like and don’t like when it comes to dirty talk is the best method to start a steamy text conversation with your partner. Whether it’s a particular sex position or an erogenous zone you love having teased, see if you can get specific.
For instance, if you could try anything with your partner IRL, what would it be? Is there a certain spicy scene that gets you going? Maybe it’s something you’ve done in the past, or a new kink you’ve always wanted to explore. And if you need to get out of your head and start thinking with your other head, Torrey-Payne recommends envisioning what, exactly, gets you going about your S.O.
“Remember that you’re talking about your fantasies. What sexy thoughts do you have about your partner? What would you like to do to them? What do they do that turns you on? Those are the things you are going to be trying to communicate in sexts,” Torrey-Payne explains.
5. If you're stuck, draw inspo from smut, erotica, and other media.
If you have trouble coming up with steamy ideas yourself, take a page—literally—from sexy material, like erotic novels. "[Erotica] is jam-packed with sexy material you can take with you to bed," Engle says. "Being exposed to erotic materials can often be great for expanding our sexual dialogue." Visual porn, she adds, can be a bit intense for beginners, so instead, she recommends the written stuff first. She suggests checking out books such as The Best Women’s Erotica, Volume 6, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, and sites like Literotica and Bellesa.
If erotic lit isn’t your thing, feel free to get inspired by other types of media like audio porn or even a movie sex scene you’re dying to recreate. If you’re feeling nervous, you can send your partner a clip or picture of the page in your book to use as a starting off point and say, “Hey, what do you think of this?” Sexy time, activated. (Just be sure to give a “NSFW warning” first).
Now that you've got your roadmap, let's get to sexting. Whether you’re a newbie who wants to learn how to sext your partner or a seasoned pro who wants to surprise your special someone with some new ~tricks~, these expert-recommended sexts will help you nail digital dirty talk your way. Feel free to copy and paste.
When You're Getting Ready For The Night Ahead
"I've been distracted all day. All I can think about is putting my mouth on you tonight."
When You're Enjoying Some Solo Time
"I can't taste you anymore when I touch myself... that needs to change."
When You Need (Or Want) A Little Punishment
"I've been a really bad girl today—what are you gonna do about it when I get home?"
When You Had A *Great* Time Last Night
"I'm getting wet sitting at my desk right now because all I can think about is how you touched me last night."
When You're Feeling Spicy During The Workday
"I wish you were here in this conference room. I would have you bending me over the table within seconds."
When You Want To Start Slow
"Send a selfie when you can. I wanna see those lips I'll be kissing later."
When You're Ready To Segue Into A Fantasy
"When I close my eyes, all I can picture is you on top of me."
When You Have A Simple Request
"Please be naked when I get home."
When You Just Gotta Ask For What You Need
"I'm feeling stressed today, and I think I need some relief in the form of your tongue all over my [genital area]."
When You've Been Spending A Lot Of Time With Your Third Partner
"What would you do if you walked into the bedroom and [play partner] and I were naked in bed together right now?"
When You're Ready To Recreate The Night Before
"I just put my hair up and got turned on thinking about you pulling it last night."
When You Want To Share A New Idea
"You know what would turn me on? If we role-played as strangers on our date tonight and then you took me home and f*cked me like it was the first time."
When You're Home Alone
"I happen to have a vibrator here next to me... wanna tell me what to do with it?"
When You Want To Keep Them On Their Toes
"The things I’d do if I was next to you…"
When You Want To Transition To A Phone Call
"What I wouldn't give to hear you moaning my name."
When You Want To Take Control
"You can touch, but don’t come until I get home."
When You Want To Discuss Threesomes
"I met someone today and thought of how much fun you'd have together. How would you feel about bringing in a third?"
When You Want Them To Set The Scene
"Tell me about your favorite fantasy so I can make it a reality."
When You Want To Let The Emojis Do The Talking For You
"That got me 💦. I think I need to cool down. Call me before you go to bed?"
When You Want To Hear Affirmations
"What about me turns you on the most?"
When You’re Feeling Adventurous
"How do you feel about being blindfolded or blindfolding me?"
When You Want To Be Sweet With A Kick
"You know my body so well."
When You Want To Share Your Excitement
"I can’t wait to taste you later."
When You’re Feeling Nostalgic
"Remember that time you made me come twice in a row? I can't stop thinking about it..."
When You Send A Photo Of A Sex Position You’d Like To Try
"Next time."
When You Want To Pique Their Interest
"If only you could see what I'm wearing right now...it's silky and goes up to the top of my thigh. Don't mind the typos...I'm typing with one hand."
When You Need A Midday Pick-Me-Up
"Can't keep my focus in this meeting. Wish I was with you. What would you do to me if we were together?"
When You’re Feeling Playful
"What would you do if I showed up at your door wearing nothing but a trench coat?"
When You Want To ~Test The Waters~
"Literally gonna be all over you when I see you."
When You Want To Give Kudos
"Mmm, you're driving me crazy. That just made me so wet."
When You Want To Play With Your New Toy
"Hey baby, I just got a new bullet. Can't wait to use it on my clit while you do me from behind."
When You’re Feeling Kinky
"I want you to tie my hands behind my head and lick me all over."
When You Want To Know If This Is A Good Time
"Want to play?"
When You Don’t Know What To Say But Don’t Want To Stop
"Tell me more."
When You Want To Channel Your Inner Romantic
"I'm lighting candles and playing our favorite songs in the bedroom. Come home?"
When You're In The Mood For Teasing
"As I'm about to come, I want you to stop and make me beg for it."
When You Wake Up From A Steamy Dream
"I had a dream about you last night, and now I can't stop thinking about you. I want to feel your soft lips on mine."
When You Want To Paint A Visual
"I'm at home naked and all I want is you inside me. I want to greet you at the door, pull down your pants, and drop to my knees."
When You’re Feeling Complimentary
"Only you can make me feel this good."
When You’re Ready To Explore
"Should we try something new tonight?"
When You’ve Done Your Research
"I was listening to my fave podcast and heard a new technique that I want to try out later..."
When You Want To Quell Your Hunger
"After dinner, will you feed me strawberries and lick whipped cream off me?"
When You Send A Photo Of A Toy
"Want to watch?"
When You Want To Give Them A Little Control
"What do you wish I were doing to you right now?"
When You’re Daydreaming About Last Night
"I really liked the way you massaged my scalp. I was tingling all over."
When You Send Photos Taking Off Your Favorite Lingerie One Piece At A Time
"Want to see more? Tell me the first thing you'd do to me if you were here."
When You’re Counting Down The Minutes
"I can't wait to see you. I'm getting so wet thinking about the last time you went down on me."
When You Want All The Foreplay
"Let's take this nice and slow. I get more and more turned on with every text."
When You Need To Pencil Them In
"I'm coming over tomorrow night. Hope you're ready :)"
When You Want To Get Inside Their...Head
"Tell me your masturbation fantasy and I'll tell you mine."
When You Want To Turn It Up To 100
"I want to feel you inside me right now."
When You Want To Play Pretend Via Video
"While you watch me play, just know I'm imagining you."
When You Want To Give Words Of Affirmation Via Voice Messages
"You know just what to say to get me all hot."
When You Want To Bring A Fantasy To Life
"I was reading this article about anal and it got me thinking. Can I tell you about it?"
When You Want To Engage The Senses
"I'm wrapped in a blanket right now and it feels too good on my bare skin."
When You Set The Stage
"I'm naked and dripping wet after taking a hot shower. It's too bad you're not here..."
When You Make The Rules
"Just relax and let me make you feel good."
When You Want To Share What You Like To Do
"You know what I love? Making you come so hard."
When You’re Missing Them
"I wish you were here so I could _____."
When You Want To Give Them A Confidence Boost
“Have I ever told you how amazing you are at [position or sex move]? I mean, wow.”
When You Want To Recreate A Specific Scene
“I saw this scene and immediately thought of us. Let’s try it tonight?”
When You Want To Start The Day Off Right
“Good morning, babe. I’m laying in bed imagining your lips on me…”
When You Just Want To Please Them Already
“Looks like it’s time for me to make you come. How can I?”
When You're Craving Kinky Phone Sex
“Wanna hear me moan and beg for you? Call me.”
When It’s All Said And Done
"That was amazing. I love the way you make me feel."
Meet the experts:
Pia Holec, PsyD, is a psychotherapist and sex therapist based in Chicago. Emily Jamea, PhD, LPC, LMFT is a sex therapist based in Houston. Shamyra Howard, LCSW is a sexologist based in Baton Rouge. Tyomi Morgan is a sexpert and spokesperson for sexual wellness store Sweet Vibes. Megan Torrey-Payne, LCSW is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and sex educator. Gigi Engle, ACS is a sex expert at Feeld and author of All the F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.
Lexi Inks (she/her) is a lifestyle journalist based in Jacksonville, Florida. She has reported on countless topics, including sexual wellness, astrology, relationship issues, non-monogamy, mental health, pop culture, and more. In addition to Women’s Health, her work has been published on Bustle, Cosmopolitan, Well + Good, Byrdie, Popsugar, and others. As a queer and plus-size woman with living with mental illness, Lexi strives for intersectionality and representation in all of her writing. She holds a BFA in Musical Theatre from Jacksonville University, which she has chosen to make everyone’s problem.
Tianna Soto is the Associate Health and Wellness Editor at Women’s Health. Her writing on wellness and relationships has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Elite Daily, Glamour, mindbodygreen, and more. She holds a M.A. in clinical psychology in education from Columbia University and is a certified yoga instructor. When she’s not writing, you can find her traveling, trying new workout classes, and speaking with audiences about mental health.
