People always say that love is blind, but what happens when his messy closet starts to actually drive you insane? Or when you can literally no longer cope with how much money she spends on shoes? When it comes to asking your partner to change, it's hard to know when you should swallow your annoyance and accept their quirks—or make those behaviors an issue.

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The key to recognizing what has to go for you to stay: Write it all down. “Before you raise the battle flag and go to war with your partner, sit down. Make a list of what it is you want them to change," says Patricia Bubash, relationship counselor and author of Successful Second Marriages. "Then, give them the same opportunity to list what they find bothersome with you.”

You may be surprised to know that your spouse has also been letting some of your annoying behaviors slide, Babush says. So before you go asking them to kick their bad habits to the curb, see if there’s anything you can adjustto make them a bit more satisfied in the happiness department, too.

Here's the thing: If the behavior is something life-threatening or dangerous, Bubash says that change is not just desired, it’s required.

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“The spouse that is married to someone whose drinking is escalating, that habit has to change," says Bubash. "And, if that partner is not willing to work on changing—head to AA meetings, talk to a counselor, etc.—then serious actions have to be put in place.”

But if it's something like how he leaves the toilet seat up in the morning, or how she constantly erases your favorite show on the DVR before you have a chance to watch it, find a way to compromise or speak with them about it in a non-confrontational way.

“If you dislike that your spouse sings in the shower in the morning, maybe you can just have him change his song list, and ignore that he is off key,” says Babush.

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Ultimately, it all goes back to an old saying most of us know quite well: "Pick your fights," says Bubash. "And determine what habit, behavior is impossible to continue living with. Find what you can overlook for all the good behaviors they extend.”