Our Marriage Was Fading After Kids—Here's How We Reignited It

"I don't know if I'm built for marriage." After having children, this thought has crossed my mind more than I would like to admit. With my first child, postpartum depression hit shortly thereafter; then another kid came along, and I couldn't quite recognize my body.

This is not what I envisioned in my head as a young girl desiring her own family, excited about the future. Instead, marriage stretched me in ways I never could have imagined. Without a frame of reference for what a healthy marriage looked like, it was as if I was walking through a desert, unsure of my direction. The journey before me seemed long and honestly not fun. Was I in a dead marriage?

Common Marriage Issues

After my husband and I became marriage coaches, we learned there are many ways that death can be felt in a relationship—and it's often exacerbated by the picture-perfect lives we see on social media.

Here are five common issues in couples:

• Lack of attraction to your spouse
• Lack of emotional connection and intimacy
• Lack of passion and desire for one another
• Lack of effective and respectful communication
• Lack of financial stability

The list could go on and on, depending on the struggles each couple may experience. But with a few hard shifts in perspective, we believe every troubled marriage can live again.

Ways to Revive Your Marriage

Call us hopeful, but if we could see life again in our marriage, we know others can too. Here are a few ways we know (and have seen ourselves) that marriages can live and thrive again.

Treat your spouse like it's the first date.

The truth is, we are all growing through life. We are changing and learning new things about the world around us and even about ourselves.

In our book, The Eden Experience, we list 52 weeks of activities on "pursuing" your spouse, including making a list of questions that you would ask someone on a first date, telling your spouse to meet up at a certain location like a park or coffee shop, and simply getting to know one another again. Another idea? Write a letter to each other and go on a dinner date where you can read aloud what you both have written.

Take social media with a grain of salt.

Social media plays a huge role in setting unrealistic expectations for marriage. It's important to scroll with the understanding that this is only a glimpse of the whole story. You never know what a couple is going through behind a photo or video.

Let yourself feel true love again.

This is a vulnerable place. It is even more vulnerable if you have ever been hurt by someone close to you. Our emotions are what make us human; pain, joy, or passion are great indicators that life is being lived. The reality is, whenever you are dealing with your spouse or people in general, you are dealing with imperfection living and breathing around you. The beauty of true love is having someone embrace you despite your imperfections. Feel that but also give that.

Know that marriage will challenge and change you.

When you commit your life to someone, the expectations must be clear. If you have unspoken expectations, it is important to communicate those to your spouse and allow them to be molded into something that works best for you both. Your married life should be a life you are living together, and that requires communicating truth with love and grace.

Get to know yourself, too.

The one thing that will increase the passion in your marriage is self-awareness. We truly believe knowing yourself, how you are coming across, and what you are giving off is a starting point to real intimacy. What is the point of getting to know your spouse when you are unsure of who you are? This is key.

Deal with financial challenges as a team.

Financial pressure is a common topic of discussion during coaching, and what we really want couples to focus on is working together to reach their goals instead of venting about them. We see that the core of the problem is not the finances themselves, but the ability to communicate amid the pressures.

At times, it can be overwhelming, so take care of the immediate financial needs first and then make a plan as a couple to figure out how to work toward a common family goal. We advise couples to have a family vision plan. First, write out the vision, then identify the players on the "team" and how they can contribute to the overall goal.

Consider going to therapy.

Counseling is becoming more mainstream as the stigma around mental health issues dissipates. We tell couples to go to counseling even when nothing is "wrong." It is like getting an annual physical: Get a mental check-up to make sure you are OK individually but also as a couple.

When you allow things to build up internally, they become like bricks around your heart, not allowing or giving space to that sweet spot marriage needs to thrive. This is also a great place to discuss any negative patterns found on the genogram.

Bridgette Reed co-leads Marriage & Grace with her husband, Deon, and together they are on a mission to break negative patterns in marriage and relationships and increase passion and intimacy.