5 Relationship Problems Therapists See All the Time—and How to Fix Them

Fix it: Force yourselves to talk—really make an effort. 

Establish an actual daily check-in appointment with each other to discuss both your feelings and the business of running your life together, says Marni Kinrys, a relationship coach in Los Angeles, founder of The Wing Girl Method and author of e-book That’s Not How Men Work. 

During these sessions, catch up with each other about what’s going on in your lives, and be sure to circle back to loose ends. 

“For example, if your partner sent you an e-mail about weekend plans and you didn’t respond, make sure that you say something like ‘I got your e-mail, I working on it and this is where I’m at,’” says Kinrys.

While you chat, use reflective listening—repeating what your partner said to you back to them. 

“It’s amazing how much miscommunication comes from our misinterpretation of what the other person has said along with us having not truly listened,” says Love. 

Related: 10 Things You Should Never Say During A Fight

Instead of focusing and listening to our partners intently, we often are preparing our reply in our heads which leads to lost messaging. 

Finally, set up some easy-to-remember ground rules: No phones or tablets to distract you, no interrupting and no yelling (meet in public if you can’t help but raise your voices)

Fix it: Get to the root of your beliefs. Different money personalities—spenders and savers—often end up together—but also often end up arguing a lot about their finances. 

“When you and your partner hold different views about money, you have to take the time to explain to each other why you approach your finances the way you do,” says Kinrys. 

And don’t wait to bring it up in the heat of another argument. Make a money date where you discuss not only setting up goals, a budget, and lifestyle expectations, but your feelings surrounding money. 

“Be up front—maybe your family was penny pinchers and that’s why you’re so tight with cash,” says Kinrys. “Listen to your partner’s point of view and try to meet in the middle.”
 
Related: 10 Ways You’re Secretly Losing Money

Fix it: Start thanking each other.

“Fighting about who pays the bills, cleans, does lawn work or laundry, is more about feeling appreciated and getting credit than doing the actual task,” says Melissa Cohen, LCSW, a couples counselor in private practice in Westfield, New Jersey. 

It’s easy to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough if you don’t get any credit. 

“We see what we do but don’t always see what our partner does,” says Cohen. 

To get past the “I do more than you” argument, start by creating a culture of appreciation for what your spouse does, rather than focusing on what they don’t. 

Thank your partner for every little thing she does and ask her to return the favor, says Cohen. 

Then, take the time to write down everything that makes your house function—how to clean the kitchen, who’s in charge of buying gifts, remembering birthdays, getting the tires rotated on your car. 

Identify a lead and a support for each role so that there are no misunderstandings. 

Related: 10 Really Weird Causes Of Divorce

“The primary person should be the person who is more particular about the job,” says Cohen. 

For example, if you’re great with money and your spouse isn’t, then you should pay bills.

This will prevent micromanaging of tasks—which can only lead to more arguing.

Fix it: Get connected emotionally again. 

How to do that? By having deep, meaningful discussions with you partner. 

Kinrys points to one study that found that asking and answering a series of intimate questions (think: How do you think you’re going to die? How do you view the role of father in a household?) leads to increased intimacy. 

Once you’re feeling more connected, start having sex dates—before-work quickies or lazy Sunday afternoons when the kids are at soccer practice—that happen separately from regular date nights (where you are often so tired from your date that you just go straight to sleep). 

And before you nix the idea of planned sex as boring consider this: “When sex is on the calendar it builds anticipation, which can actually make it more enjoyable,” says Kinrys.

Related: 8 Sex Habits Of Super Happy Couples

Fix it: Don’t feel guilty about putting each other first. 

One of the most difficult parts of marriage is staying connected for the long-term. 

“It’s so easy to lose each other in the chaos of life,” says Cohen, who points out that many people prioritize everything else—kids, work, friends—over their relationship. 

“We can overfocus on work, kids, the house, and legitimize that the kids and work come first,” says Cohen. 

But in the end, you lose the connection with your partner. Above all else, you and your partner must realize that without the foundation that is your union, there isn’t any of the other stuff. 

And without a good foundation, it will all eventually crumble. 

Related: 3 Simple Secrets For a Happier Marriage

“Your relationship is what supports the kids, the work, the house, the friends, the life,” says Cohen. 

So dedicate time for each other and again—without any digital devices to distract you. 

“Whether it’s an hour spent watching a favorite TV show together or a night out on the town, you can really show your commitment to each other by simply being present and available to your life partner,” says Cohen.

The article 5 Relationship Problems Therapists See Over and Over Again—and How to Fix Them originally ran on Prevention.com.