When Nell S.' husband told her he was considering divorcing her, the 34-year-old climate scientist and mother of one was in complete shock. It was three months after the super-heated 2016 election of Donald Trump and she already felt like her world was falling apart.
"I felt like I was in danger of losing my job, my safety as a woman, and even my sanity," she says. "And now this, on top of everything else? Divorce? Really?"
But it was her husband's reasoning that put her over the edge: President Trump. It wasn't that her husband, a fellow scientist, necessarily loved the new president but he did think Nell wasn't giving him a fair chance. He felt like Nell had become obsessed with all things political, and was ignoring him and their son to spend hours a day on Twitter and pouring over news articles that only presented one side. "He said all I could talk about was politics and I didn't hear anything else anyone was saying to me," she says. "And, as tough as it was, I realized he was right. I was miserable."
Thankfully, instead of heading to divorce court, the couple headed to therapy, becoming one of many couples trying to navigate a relationship despite having opposing political views. The therapist helped Nell set boundaries in her life to keep political talk in check, such as limiting her time on social media and saving political discussions at home for certain times of day. Nell says that she and her husband are now much happier, and that they've been able to refocus on common causes (like climate change) that they're both passionate about.
But it's not just romantic relationships that are under increased strain in our current intense political climate—childhood friendships, parents and children, coworkers, cousins, grandparents, and every other close interpersonal relationships are feeling the pain of politics these days.
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"It's everywhere. I can't remember a time, not even during the Vietnam war, where there was as much venom and animosity as there is now," says Gary Brown, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, adding he's seen a massive uptick in clients with these issues over the past decade. "Even people who deeply love each other are falling victim to the 'politics of personal destruction' where it's not enough to disagree with someone but you have to destroy them and everything they stand for in the process."
Certain op-eds and social media threads may make political debate seem like a life-or-death issue. The current discourse seems to emphasize that if you don't constantly engage people whose views differ from yours, you are essentially complicit in allowing those views to persist. However, there's a difference between choosing your battles and staying completely silent, says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love. Lombardo emphasizes that it's perfectly fine to set boundaries about what you're willing to discuss and who you're willing to engage with—it doesn't mean you're ignoring the issues.
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So how do we keep political divides from dividing us from our loved ones? We asked leading psychologists for a guide to maintaining close relationships with those we cherish—even (especially!) if they disagree with our political views.
Is there any place more politically contentious than social media these days? But if reading your feed leaves you wanting to unfriend everyone, know that you have more options than exploding or deleting your account. The simplest course of action is to do nothing and ignore people's politically-charged opinions, either by unfollowing them or simply not engaging online.
"The best thing to do when someone posts a heated political commentary is to simply ignore it. For one, you are not going to change the person's opinion, so trying to do so will just likely cause a heated argument," says Lombardo. "And secondly, any comments you make on someone's post increase the likelihood that they will be at the top of your feed. That means you're more likely to see those political comments more and more."
However, if you enjoy political discourse or you simply want to understand your friends' views better, social media can be the perfect place to do that, Brown says. In fact, Facebook, Twitter, and the like can potentially help expose you to new ideas, even if you don't agree with them. The key, he says, is to actively seek out people with differing opinions, ask lots of questions, listen without reacting, and most importantly, be civil. And be sure to set a hard limit for your time online, both for your mental and physical health.
Political divides stressing you out? This yoga pose can help:
You've known your best friend since the third grade, so is it worth throwing away decades of friendship over political differences? Even if you're on polar opposite ends of the political spectrum, that person is still the girl who gave you her lunch when you forgot yours and helped you break up with that terrible boyfriend your freshman year of college. So make a conscious effort to remember the good times and focus on the many, many things you have in common, Brown advises.
But what if your best friend has turned into a foaming-at-the-mouth activist determined to make you believe as they do? Shut. It. Down. "Simply say 'I respect you have that opinion. I'm not comfortable having this conversation.' And then change the subject," says Lombardo. Women are often afraid of being so blunt, but being assertive shows you respect yourself and the other person, she adds.
If there's one place a political discussion doesn't belong, it's in the office (unless you work in politics—and even then, tread lightly). So how do you stop the incessant chatter? Disengage in a lighthearted, nonjudgmental way, Lombardo says. "You can make a joke about it like 'I don't talk about politics on a day that ends in Y' or simply say 'I'm not comfortable having a political discussion at work,'" she advises. Say it enough times and they will move on to something else.
Your romantic partner is the one person that you cannot just avoid the discussion with. You share everything with them, including your bed, so politics is bound to come up. That doesn't mean you'll always agree with them, so it's best to be prepared for some conflict. Start by focusing on the fact that your relationship will (hopefully) last longer than any political term, so it's more important how you feel about them than whoever is in office, says Wendy Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., a relationship expert, author, and behavioral analyst. Next, look for common ground. Then, when it comes to where you disagree, keep the focus on issues, not people.
"Everyone wants national security, jobs, good education, safe communities, access to quality health care—and the list goes on and on," Patrick says. "The most heated political 'arguments' today are often about President Trump or Hillary Clinton, not the issues, and that is where things can go off the rails."
Lastly, make sure you follow the rules for arguments. "Make sure you're having a discussion, not a fight," Dr. Brown says. "You'll know when it crosses the line if one of you starts making it personal, assigning blame, or calling names. And then it needs to stop."
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There are family you adore, friends you love like family... and then there are the family members that the only reason you'd ever speak to them is because they show up at the annual reunion. It's perfectly fine to recognize that you have little in common with someone besides blood—just because you're first cousins doesn't mean you'll be besties—but that doesn't mean you get to disrespect them.
"Don't initiate political conversation over the Thanksgiving table," Brown says. "If someone asks you a question and you can answer in a polite way, that's fine, but if they're baiting you into an argument, don't do it."
Not sure if a topic is appropriate? Give it the "kitchen table test," Patrick says. This means asking yourself if this is something you'd like to hear about first thing, over breakfast. If not, no one else does either. "Even when politics pervades personal discussion, stick to discussing your bright future together by focusing on the goals and dreams you share," she adds.
The PTA mom, the guy at the gym, the neighbor down the street: We all have people who aren't necessarily friends but we'd like to remain friendly with. And when it comes to politics, that means maintaining a safe distance, Patrick says.
"Practice gracious, humorous ways to bow out of the question, by replying with a smile, 'I value my friendships too much to discuss politics,' she advises. "It is hard to argue with this type of friendly, lighthearted request to take a pass on such a heavy question."
If you do want have a political discussion, whatever you do, resist the temptation to make the discussion personal. "Accept that they have their own belief system, try not to personalize it, and if you can’t have a polite conversation about politics, then agree to disagree," Lombardo says.
Deciding whether or not to pursue a relationship with someone depends on a lot of factors, of which politics is definitely one. So before you go on a date, you need to decide exactly how important political agreement ranks on the list of things most important to you in a partner, Patrick says.
"If political affiliation is a deal-breaker for you romantically, or something you want to spend time discussing, be up front and allow prospective partners to approach with eyes wide open," she says. "If not, leave it out and allow relationships to develop in a politics-free zone. There are many other things to discuss."
And should you put your political affiliation in your online dating profile? If that's something important to you then it can be a great way to filter potential matches, she adds.
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It can be easy to get caught in a heated debate with parents or grandparents on political issues, but there are some crucial things to keep in mind. "Always go into a political discussion assuming that your parents are good people with good motives," Brown says. "Decide what is more important to you, your relationship or the desire to be right."
Start by remembering that a lot has changed recently and don't assume that age automatically equals bigoted, he adds. With older family members, generational differences may come into play and the vocabulary that was appropriate when they were growing up is no longer kosher today. It doesn't mean they're trying to be inflammatory, but rather that they may not have learned how people talk about it now.
Or they may actually still be holding on to racist, homophobic, misogynist or other views you find objectionable. In that case, instead of becoming upset, ask questions to find out the reasons behind their views and gently teach them your views and why you believe what you believe, Brown says.
"Remember, it’s not your job to change their minds. We’re all adults here. You get to have your point of view, and so do they. If you truly want to connect with them, be open without preaching to them," he says. "Seeking true understanding is the real goal here."
Of course, It doesn't mean taking hateful abuse—that's never okay—but rather that sometimes the times change faster than people do and you need to give them the opportunity to change before dismissing them.
All of this advice is given with the assumption that these are relationships you want to maintain. You love these people and even if you don't agree about everything, you still want them in your life. But there may come a time when someone's views become so extreme or offensive that you cannot tolerate being around them anymore. You're allowed to protect yourself by severing the relationship, says Brown. Most relationships aren't worth sacrificing over politics, but you'll know it's crossed the line if they become abusive by calling names, belittling, threatening, or espousing values you find deeply hurtful.
"The relationship crosses the line of being irreparable when one person continuously hates and degrades the other person for simply having a different point of view," he explains. "They have become so blinded by hatred that they cannot or will not acknowledge a basic human right to disagree." Bottom line? When it becomes toxic, then there is no longer a relationship to save and you need to walk away.
