It’s normal for long-term relationships to go through rough patches—even legally-binding ones, like marriages. However, sometimes a married couple’s issues are more than just hiccups, but rather, major struggles that make the entire relationship feel at risk. This is when you might find yourself searching for signs that your marriage is over.
First things first, though, don’t jump to conclusions. Many marital problems are not grounds for divorce, as long as the couple is willing to work through them together, says Jenni Skyler, PhD, a certified sex therapist, sexologist, and director of The Intimacy Institute. "If there is a willingness to change and try, there is room to not get divorced," she adds. That means your marriage isn’t doomed just because you have some hard stuff to work through.
So, if your 'ship is on the rocks, don’t just go straight to the 'D word.' (Assuming your marriage is free of serious allegations, such as physical or mental abuse, of course.)
Ultimately, before you head toward divorce, you should "give your relationship a real try," Skyler says. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for couples experiencing hardship, and you don't want to jump into a permanent split before exhausting all of your resources, Skyler advises. Plus, it can relieve some of the pressure to make big decisions when you have the help of an expert at your disposal.
If your marriage isn’t at its best right now, you can also try taking a break or separation period before deciding on divorce, Skyler says. It'll give you a glimpse into what life without your partner could look like, without bringing in any complicated legal measures associated with ending your marriage yet.
That said, if you relationship is going through a rough patch right now, here are 18 signs your marriage might be over and it's time to consider an exit strategy, according to relationship experts.
1. There's been some infidelity.
If you or your partner have committed infidelity, this might make it difficult for you to move forward in your marriage. That said, it often depends on the severity of the cheating, Skyler notes. Chronic infidelity, for example, can be extremely difficult to move forward from, she says.
However, if the cheating was a one-time occurrence or rather mild in action—such as a drunken kiss at a bar versus repeated sex with a lover—it might be easier for you to work through. All of this is dependent on how severe of an offense you perceive infidelity to be in general—and everyone views it differently, Skyler says.
2. You’re growing apart.
It’s normal for relationship connections to ebb and flow, and it’s possible that you and your partner might have grown apart over the course of your marriage. "Everyone is different, but if and your partner no longer share common values, it can be hard to move forward," says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Honolulu.
It’s not just that you have different interests. That’s normal and, sometimes, even helpful if you and your partner enjoy hobbies and activities outside of each other’s company. But, if you find that you view the world itself in completely disparate ways and there’s no middle ground at which you both can operate, this can be difficult to overcome, Brito says.
3. You find that you’re chronically unhappy.
If you wake up every morning next to your partner conscious of the fact that you’re miserable in your marriage, that's a red flag for the health of your relationship, Skyler says.
It’s not that you should feel actively "happy" at all times when you’re married, but if there’s both a distinct absence of happiness and an active sense of sadness or disappointment when together, consider that a pretty clear sign you’re not in a great place, Skyler explains.
4. One (or both) of you is experiencing mental health issues.
It’s quite normal to go through bouts where your mental health isn’t at its best. The problem, however, is when one (or both) of you will not take the next steps to improve that mental health, Skyler notes. For example, perhaps your partner refuses to seek professional help (such as a doctor or therapy) for their mental illness, or will not allow themselves to make any helpful lifestyle changes to improve their mood.
Mental health issues can become particularly challenging when they begin to impact not only the person suffering from psychological illness, but also the other person in the relationship, Skyler says. In short, it can be a cause of many relationship struggles, but you don't have to end your relationship because your partner's mental health isn't at its best; as long as they're taking steps to heal and they recognize the impact its having on your marriage, your relationship can improve, Skyler notes.
5. Your partner is narcissistic.
"I see a lot of divorce where a partner seems charismatic, but it’s actually the facade of very intense narcissism," Skyler explains. Wondering how to tell if your partner is a narcissist, exactly? It usually means they lack empathy, and typically demonstrate entitlement, vanity, arrogance, and controlling behavior, Skyler says. (Or any behavior that leaves you feeling inadequate, empty, or manipulated.) If you are married to a narcissistic person, it’s possible that you have fallen victim to their particularly charming behaviors without noticing the negative ones—which is common.
So, if you have inklings that your partner might be demonstrating some of these behaviors, it may be a sign that something deeper is wrong.
6. You’re having the same fight over and over again.
If you and your spouse are lather, rinse, repeating the same old arguments, this might also be a sign that your marriage is over, or rather, worthy of a counseling intervention at the very least. "If people can’t find a way to overcome their fight, or find a way to respectful communication and repair, [the relationship] can degrade until it’s too much," Skyler says.
Perhaps you’re arguing about big things, like how you want to raise your kids or political issues, or perhaps it’s the small fights that bring you both over the edge, like where to eat dinner. Regardless, if you feel stuck in a dispute loop with no resolve, this likely means you’re not communicating effectively, and it might be a sign that something’s really off, Skyler says.
7. There’s a sexual style mismatch.
Whether your partner wants to have an open relationship and you’re not up for it, or you want to try something in the bedroom that they aren't comfortable with, not being on the same page when it comes to sex can be a sign of impending marital issues, Skyler explains. In short, "if there’s a profound sexual mismatch, this can be a problem," she says.
A bedroom imbalance can also present itself as a violation of boundaries, Brito adds. This might look like your partner pushing you to do a sexual act or practice that you’re not comfortable with, or asking you for sex when you’ve already said no. "If one person is not respecting someone's boundaries in the bedroom, that can make someone feel disrespected or coerced in a relationship," Brito says. These patterns can lead to anger and resentment—a sign that divorce might be on the mind.
8. You don’t want to have sex at all.
It’s completely normal for sexual attraction and energy to wax and wane over the course of a long-term relationship. That said, in a relationship that’s headed toward divorce, there might be a complete absence of sexual desire, Skyler says. For example, perhaps you don’t feel connected enough to your partner to have sex, or your lives no longer present any opportunity to foster intimacy.
But, because a loss of desire is common, there are actually lots of tools out there to help you resolve any lack of sexual interest, Skyler says, such as sex therapy or couples' counseling. As long as you and your partner are on the same page about your sex sitch, there is room for growth—it doesn’t have to mean divorce.
9. Your partner makes you feel lonely.
Yes, it’s possible to feel lonely even if you’re in a relationship, Skyler says. If your partner never asks you questions, is never curious about your life, or doesn’t validate your feelings, this can make a person feel exceedingly lonely, even if they’re not technically alone, she explains.
Ideally, you and your partner should grow closer over the years, not further apart, Brito says. Ask yourself this, she advises: Are we growing together, or are we just leading separate lives and saying we’re married? If your answer is the latter, well, you can probably guess where those separate lives are heading...
10. One of you does not like being a parent.
While many view children as a gift that brings them closer together, sometimes having kids can make certain people realize they actually don’t enjoy parenthood, Skyler says.
"Some feel they skipped over their freedom and autonomy years, and then they feel like they're imprisoned by this responsibility," she explains. "They might then run off and party all the time, or just neglect their parenting duties." The result? Often, the more invested parent might grows resentful of the irresponsible one, and they might leave them behind for the children’s sake, Skyler explains.
If you do decide to divorce, here are some tips to help navigate co-parenting:
11. One of you is experiencing addiction.
People can experience addictions to many things, including but not limited to drugs, finances, gambling, and the like. While this issue might not be the individual's fault, per se, when their addiction begins to impact the life of a spouse, it can become increasingly difficult to stay married.
"If they can't get help, or the help isn't working, this can be a warning sign," Skyler explains. Overall, if your partner has an addiction that they cannot keep under control and it is wearing on all their relationships, this might be a sign of impending divorce, if the situation doesn't improve.
12. You’re not fighting at all.
While fighting typically isn’t enjoyable or ideal, sometimes arguments are necessary in order to resolve important issues in a relationship, Brito says. Basically, it's a needed form of communication. So, if you’re not fighting at all, that can be a sign issues are going relatively unresolved.
Look for signs such as: feeling super alone instead of heard when you speak with your partner, feeling like you can’t tell them things, or noticing that when you do argue, they withdraw instead of hashing things out, Brito says.
13. One (or both) of you is coming to terms with a new sexuality.
Sexual exploration is healthy in a relationship, and it can even be fun for partners to explore their fantasies and bisexuality—together or separately, Skyler says. However, if one (or both) of you feels like they are discovering a sexual orientation that is no longer compatible with their current marital situation, that may be a sign your marriage is over.
Note this, though: "If it's more of like, 'I'm allowing myself the permission to access bisexuality or pansexuality I've always had,' then it doesn't have to be divorce," Skyler explains. Instead, you can ask your partner how you might look for ways to include this part of yourself in the relationship, either through fantasy play or even by opening up the relationship, she says.
14. You’re only in it for the children.
As mentioned, having kids can make navigating divorce and marriage particularly difficult. "If you're staying just because of your children, that's a sign to get some help," Brito says. While you might think that remaining married is what’s best for your family, you need to remember that children take in much more of their environment than adults realize, she adds.
"The issues that are negatively impacting you in your individual life also impact your children," Brito explains. "In some cases, a divorce might actually be better for a child’s mental health long term, instead of seeing their parents constantly fighting, name-calling, or stonewalling with each other."
Seeking professional help to determine whether or not to divorce or continue working on the marriage may also be better for your children, Brito suggests.
15. There’s physical, mental, sexual, or emotional abuse in the relationship.
When physical, mental, and emotional abuse is present in relationships, Skyler says that this will likely qualify as domestic violence. In most cases, it is difficult for a marriage to move forward from abuse, and it's a sure sign your marriage is over and it's time for a divorce.
"This is usually an intolerable, inhumane situation for somebody to live in," Skyler says. If you feel you’re experiencing domestic violence and are in need of help, you can call the domestic violence support hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or text SAFE to 88788.
16. You’re blaming each other for everything.
Fighting can be painful as is, and it can be made even worse when you find that you’re blaming each other for various life problems, such as financial stress, occupational misgivings, childcare—the list goes on.
"When couples are focused on blaming each other for issues and putting each other down, this can be a sign that things aren’t going well," Brito says. "It’s a negative cycle, and it can escalate if it goes unaddressed."
Basically, if you and your partner are focusing on the ways that each other contributes to everyday issues instead of how to resolve them together, this could be a sign that it's time to seek marital help or divorce.
17. You’re fantasizing about the end of your marriage.
If you’re laying in bed at night unhappily thinking about all the ways your life might be better if you and your spouse were no longer together, this may be a sign your marriage is at risk, Brito says.
That said, it’s normal to have attractions and fantasies that exist outside of your relationship. "The problem is when you make plans to act on those fantasies or attractions, or if you make plans to leave," Brito says. So, if you're already plotting your exit strategy, a divorce may be inevitable.
18. Your kids have moved out of the house, and you don’t want to be around each other anymore.
Picture it: After raising multiple children over the years, they've all moved out. Finally, you and your spouse get the house to yourselves. Bliss, right? Not quite.
In some cases, people stay in marriages for years until their children go off to college or move out—and then, they divorce, Brito says. Sometimes, marital issues don’t arise until the kids are gone, and the only place to turn your attention is toward each other. If you feel you and your partner are struggling now that it's just you two, that could be a sign to seek help or consider where your marriage is headed.
