8 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner For a Hotter Sex Life

This one might seem super-private, says Emily Morse, Ph.D., host of the Sex With Emily podcast. But knowing what kinds of sex toys your partner uses, and how they stimulate themselves, can give you a clear idea of how to please each other, she explains. Are you into prostate stimulation? Does she use lube and a finger vibrator? “It’s like a road map to pleasure,” Morse says.

The next step is to try some mutual masturbation so you can watch and learn, Morse suggests. “Mutual masturbation is one of my favorite kinds of foreplay because it’s educational and a huge turn-on at the same time,” she says.

Related: Why She Wants to Watch You Masturbate

Not every sexual fantasy is something we actually want to happen in real life, says Morse. Take a threesome, for example. If your partner imagines themselves involved in one, find out specifics about the fantasy: Who's the third party? What’s the setting? What positions do you try?  

You can still act out a threesome with just the two of you by talking about it during sex, says Morse. “This can actually be way safer and hotter than the actual menage a trois.”

Related: 9 Things Some Men Are Too Afraid to Ask For In Bed

Before you can have mind-blowing sex with your partner, you need to define what that means for yourself, Morse says. “Having this conversation with a partner is an effective jumping-off point for getting the sex you truly want,” Morse says. By being prepared to answer this question before you ask your partner, you'll get her mind working on how to please you, she says. 

“If you get to talking in an intimate setting, it’ll definitely set you both on track to hit all the right sexual buttons,” Morse says.

Related: 13 Women Reveal the ONE Thing That Instantly Turns Them On

This is perhaps one of the most important things to get feedback on, says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., and a certified sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. Many women may prefer long strokes or light touch, she says.

“It’s also important to know how a person likes to be touched on their non-erogenous zones versus how they like their genitals touched,” she says. “The best route to better, hotter, more connected sex is to know what you like, and ask for it.”

Related: 9 Secret Erogenous Zones She’s Dying For You to Touch

Sometimes one partner may need to be nurtured to feel intimately connected, Richmond says. "That may require slower intercourse with lots of stroking and cuddling, maybe even loving words exchanged," she says. Other times, the couple may feel a need for more adventurous, passionate intercourse, which could mean rougher, faster sex and dirty talk, she says.

Encourage her to share what kind of mood she's in: "Women are often afraid to ask for what they want, but most men are more than happy to play along," says sex therapist Gloria Brame, Ph.D. Talking about it means better orgasms all around, she says.

Related: 5 Things You Should NEVER Do During Sex

Many women don’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. If you plan to stay with your partner, you should try to get past any sex toy aversions, Brame says. If you're hesitant, just remember that vibrators are a normal enhancement in coupled sex that make for a more orgasmic, intimate experience.

How could you not want to give it a try? (Try one you'll both enjoy—like this couples massager from the Men's Health store.)

Related: The 30 Best Sex Toys For Men

Make a mental map of your personal hotspots and share it with your lover when you’re in bed, Brame says. 

The article If You Want a Hotter Sex Life, Ask Your Partner These 8 Questions originally appeared on Women’s Health.