5 Excuses for When You're Caught Masturbating
Five lines more acceptable than “Can you wait a minute?”
Studies show that masturbating can boost your mood, help you last longer in bed, and even prevent prostate cancer. But all those health benefits don’t make it any less awkward if your partner catches you with your hand in the nookie jar.
So what do you say to save a sticky situation? Use these five slick lines in a pinch.
1. “My hand was bored, so I gave it something to do.”
Why it works: Sounds corny, we know. “But by stating the obvious, your partner may just roll her eyes and laugh, which may neutralize the situation,” says NYC-based sex coach Amy Levine, M.A., C.S.E.
(For more exclusive tips from the world’s best sex experts, check out How to Pleasure a Woman, the new manual from the editors of Men’s Health.)
2. “I didn’t want to get rejected, so I took matters into my own hands.”
Why it works: Mismatched libidos can put a strain on many relationships, and couples don’t always have the courage to talk about sexual issues. Getting caught in the act could provide a good opportunity to broach the subject.
“She may take it personally and feel self-conscious,” says Levine, “but by calling out the elephant in the room, you may actually encourage some constructive discussion.”
(To learn the right way to navigate the topic, check out 6 Tricky Relationship Talks You Must Have.)
3. “I needed to relieve some stress—fast.”
Why it works: Because science. Masturbating releases a slew of feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin that lift your spirits, boost your satisfaction, and activate the reward circuits in your brain.
“She’ll like that you’re taking responsibility for your pleasure when all you want is instant gratification,” Levine says.
4. “I love being intimate with you, but sometimes this is nice, too.”
Why it works: Reaffirming your desire for your partner right away eases any worries that she doesn’t satisfy you, Levine says. She’ll understand this is just a different kind of sexual expression—not one that’s better than another.
5. “Well, hello there! Care to join me?”
Why it works: “It shows her you feel confident about what you’re doing, and you’re empowered to take charge of your desire and satisfaction,” says Levine.
And if you’re lucky, she just might find that incredibly sexy.
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