What to Do About Uninvolved Grandparents

My parents and I have always had a really great relationship. So when I found out I was pregnant, I assumed they'd want to be a major part of my child's life. I was envisioning heartwarming scenes of intergenerational bonding: sleepovers at Grandma and Grandpa's, zoo trips, and days of cookie baking. And not only had my folks recently retired, but they lived a mere hour's drive away from us. Perfect!

Not quite. After I had the baby, it seemed like my parents had a full calendar every weekend, from community projects to dinner parties. They babysat for two weekends when we were in a bind and then never again. Aside from the random visit, they see her mostly on holidays. My child has uninvolved grandparents.

It can feel hurtful to have uninvolved grandparents. Keep reading for tips and strategies on how to get your parents to have a more meaningful presence in your child's life.

Reasons Why Your Parents Are Uninvolved Grandparents

The face of grandparenting has changed with time. Gone are the days when "grandma" was a quaint symbol of an elderly housewife who baked cookies and read stories. And sure, many grandparents still do those things, but they probably do a lot more, like work jobs, volunteer, and have active social lives. Still, there are some legitimate reasons that might be preventing your child's grandparents from fully engaging, and here are a few common ones.

They may have a schedule as hectic as yours

Of course, grandparents have their own reasons for pulling back. But in the case of my folks, their constant busy-ness may be legit, says social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories With Your Grandchildren.

Dr. Newman says that these days, grandparents are so active that they've completely changed the face of grandparenting. "Many of them have been working for decades, so they're programmed to be busy," she says. "This is a health-obsessed group too, so they work out a lot, and they're social: They volunteer, go on trips, have book clubs." And many of them are unable—or unwilling—to surrender that time. "This generation isn't sitting in their housecoats, getting batches of cookies ready for the grandkids," she adds.

They may still be in the workforce

According to AARP, the average age of first-time grandparents in the U.S. is 50. "Between work and commitments, it's often hard to fit in time to babysit grandchildren," says Lisa Carpenter, a grandmother and freelance writer in Colorado Springs. "It's not a matter of not wanting to; it's often about logistics."

After a full week on the job, grandparents may simply be too tired to run after a toddler or stay up with a newborn. "It's difficult to muster the energy," she says. "We love the little ones, but they can sure wear us out. Just because we're younger, that doesn't mean we have the energy of twentysomethings."

They may be dealing with medical issues

Older grandparents, meanwhile, may have medical issues. "They might want to avoid letting adult children know they're struggling with the effects of medications or ailments," says Carpenter. Or they fear driving a child to soccer practice or being left alone with an infant. (Yes, they did raise babies once themselves, but that was a long time ago.)

"I felt that way as a brand-new grandma myself," says Donne Davis, a grandmother from Menlo Park, California, and founder of GaGaSisterhood, a social network for grandmothers. "I instinctively worried about this fragile baby in my arms, and 'what ifs'—like tripping and dropping the baby—started flashing through my mind. Also, a friend told me she once dropped her infant son while trying to get her keys out of her purse, and that image must have stayed with me."

They may not want to be the babysitter

One reason the caregiving issue is so fraught is that some grandparents never thought it would be a part of the equation.

A friend of mine asked her mother if she could drop off her baby for the weekend so she and her husband could reconnect, but her mother balked. "Your generation seems to assume that grandparent duty is to babysit the kids while you're out and to be another parental figure," she told her. "Well, I just want to be a grandparent."

They may feel hurt

Other grandparents may harbor hurt feelings if you've kept in sporadic contact over the years, but then expect instant togetherness once a grandchild arrives. Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., an Austin psychologist and author of Surviving Your Child's Adolescence, says that young people in their 20s "are off on their own, developing very busy, committed, separate lives and often they don't have a lot of time for their parents."

"Then all of a sudden, they're ready to reunite around a grandchild, and it's a pretty abrupt change for [the grandparents]," he says. Your parents may want to have relevance not only as your child's grandparents, he says, but as your parents.

How To Connect With Uninvolved Grandparents

Turns out, there are plenty of ways to find a little middle ground. The best way to start is with a conversation, ideally before or soon after a baby is born, says Anne K. Fishel, Ph.D., director of the Family and Couples Therapy Program at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. The arrival of a baby creates a seismic change in relationships with both your spouse and your parents, she says, yet rarely does anyone think to have a sit-down beforehand to talk about expectations. I certainly didn't.

Ask your parents what role they want to play

A gentle opener, says Dr. Fishel, is to ask your parents about the role their own folks played when they had children. "Then you can talk about what you remember doing with your parent as a child that was fun or meaningful. And then say, 'I hope you'll teach Charlie how to recognize birdcalls and watch musicals with him too.'"

Ask your parents about time

Then ask them about the sort of time commitment they have in mind for your child. It may sound like an oddly businesslike question, but the more information you have up front, the less anxiety you will have later. "People who have a child can go into it with all of these assumptions: 'I have a child now, and that means my parents will be a certain way and do what I want,' " says Dr. Pickhardt. "And all that is unstated, unclarified." If your child is older, you can still ask specific questions, such as, "How would you feel if we did three or four visits a year beyond holidays?" (And spell out if by "visits" you mean "drop-offs.")

Look for a calm opportunity to talk

Initiate a discussion during a calm moment, and don't attack or accuse. Dr. Pickhardt suggests the following script: "I'm not asking you to actively take care of your grandchild, but I hope you can show that you care. Just as you're important to me, I want you to be important to my child. So how can we make grandparenting more fun for you?"

How To Initiate Plans With Uninvolved Grandparents

Once you've listened to what your parents have to say, stop pining for the ideal scenario and work with what you have. That parent whose children get almost no face time with their noncommittal grandparents invites them to events "only when it's important to the kids." And she does it months in advance. "I don't like to corner them," she says, "but if I don't, they'll miss Grandparents Day at school."

Invite your parents to fun events

If your folks don't initiate plans, says Dr. Newman, try to lure them with fun events. "Invite them on vacation with you or say, 'I'm taking my daughter to her first movie. Do you want to come?' You may get a no, but you're offering different chances." Should your parent have a particular passion or a hobby like gardening or baking, consider asking them to teach it to your child. "Home in on their specific interests and strengths," recommends Dr. Newman.

Don't let distance equal absence

When they don't visit in person, make regular phone calls and video chats, or see whether they're willing to be e-mail pen pals with an older child. Have your kid ask questions about the good old days. For those grandparents who aren't involved day-to-day, telling stories is a valuable way to connect with their grandchildren, and it can be eye-opening for parents, too, says Dr. Fishel.

Studies show that the more children know about their family's history, the greater their self-esteem and the more they feel a sense of control over their own life. "It's a win-win," explains Dr. Fishel, who didn't know much about her father's involvement in World War II until she had two inquisitive sons. "My father was much more interested in telling them stories about his military adventures than he had been in telling me," she says. "So this whole other part of his life opened up."

Don't bad-mouth uninvolved grandparents in front of your kids

Even if your parents' involvement is at the barest minimum, never bad-mouth them in front of your kids. "Grandparents give children a strong sense of security, that there are people beyond their parents that they can turn to," says Dr. Newman. "As tenuous as this relationship might be, you don't want to poke holes in it and make it less strong."

Know that your parents' feelings may change over time. "Some grandparents are more comfortable when the child is a little bit older," Davis points out. "It's important to remember that it's an evolving relationship."

It's OK to grieve the grandparents your children don't have

It may be that no matter what you do, things are not going to change significantly. If this is the case, it's natural to grieve. When the kids whose grandparents live around the corner started asking their mom why they were so cold, the mom explained, "'Your grandparents love you, but sometimes people don't know how to show it.'" She has come to accept that it's their loss.

"My in-laws are missing out on so much joy," she says. "I still get angry, but I've realized they are not going to change, and we need to focus on our happy family and not dwell on the negative with the grandparents."

If feelings of bitterness persist, counseling can help. Dr. Newman also suggests finding some substitute grandparents instead—the more, the better. "Engage other people to form that close relationship with your child that you're not getting from the child's grandparents," she says. "Aunts, uncles, neighbors, close friends—think about all the people in your life who are crazy about your child."

Get creative and compromise

Turns out my own parents were interested in my daughter, just not to the degree that I wished. When I finally decided to swallow my pride and have a long-overdue conversation with my mother, I gently told her I felt as if she was stonewalling us by being busy all the time.

"But we've always been busy, honey, ever since you were little," she said. "We like being busy." It's true: As parents, and grandparents, they basically acted the same as they always had, yet somehow I magically expected them to be different—a common mistake.

Emboldened, I asked her why they didn't babysit, and she sighed. "Do you really want to know?" she said. "It's because your father and I learned the hard way that we don't have the strength to deal with a preschooler." I realized that I was in complete denial about their advancing age. It was hard for my once-vigorous mother to admit to me that her strength was diminishing, but it was even harder to admit it to herself.

And so I worked out some compromises. Instead of asking my parents to babysit or even visit me in the city, we meet them for lunch at a restaurant between our two houses. Or I entice them with low-key, everybody-wins events like a day at a public garden. And we do phone calls and mail letters back and forth (which my child loves receiving).

Is it the rosy scene I once envisioned where we'd celebrate every milestone moment? No. Does my daughter feel secure that her grandparents love her? Every time I see her catapult into their arms with a shriek, I have my answer.

What To Do About Grandparents Who Play Favorites

What can you do if a grandparent prefers the firstborn (or the grandchild who lives closest or the family genius)? As unfair as this situation feels, it's pretty much beyond your control.

Think about it: Do we love everyone exactly the same? No. Are there sensible, tangible reasons why we favor someone? Not necessarily. "Some relationships are going to be stronger than others; there's no way around that," says Dr. Newman.

Try to avoid a direct confrontation with your parents, which will only create awkwardness without changing the reality. Instead, mention that the child you feel is being shortchanged loves and misses them, and do your best to create as many opportunities as you can for contact with your child.

When the inevitable day comes when your child asks why their grandparents spend so much time with other kids in the family and not them, Dr. Pickhardt suggests being honest but kind and supportive. Reassure your child: This has nothing to do with them, and their grandparents are suffering a major loss by not spending more time with them—and they don't even know it.