Becky McKeown, 40, is a nurse and podcaster (All Out with Madre Soltera Becky) in Mission Viejo, California.
About 11 years ago, I thought I had met Mr. Right. He was fun and charming, and I was happy when I found out I was pregnant–that is, until I did some major digging and discovered he was also married, and had gotten another woman pregnant at the same time.
I knew I wanted to keep my baby, so I let him know I was expecting, but that I didn’t want to be with him. He seemed okay with my decision at the time (probably because his plate was pretty full), and I didn’t see him for months after that.
As a single mom, I already knew I could support myself and my 11-year-old child, so I felt confident that I didn’t need him–or anyone–to help me raise my second baby. But I was still interested in dating. Part of me wanted to get back out there to show my ex I had moved on, and it was fun and nice to have the emotional support of a partner every now and then. But I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything serious.
Diving back into dating
One of my friends set me up before she even knew I was pregnant, and I met guys at work and online.
I started my pregnancy as a bigger girl, so it wasn’t exactly obvious that I was going to have a kid until about six months in.
I didn’t even bother clueing the men in unless I thought I'd see them again and things might get intimate. I’d tell them I couldn’t tolerate alcohol well, and suggest we meet at a Starbucks for coffee or tea, or do a casual dinner.
But once it reached that point, I was an open book. If they asked how my day was, I’d let them know I went to a prenatal doctor’s visit. I was casual about it and would wait to see how they responded.
Their reactions were all over the place
I probably dated 15 different men while I was pregnant, and their responses to finding out I was with child were about as varied as you can imagine.
Two men were really put off, and thought I was looking for a father to financially support the baby—which wasn't the case at all.
Another date was totally confused about how I could have sex while pregnant. “Well, everything still works down there," I explained.
“What if I poke him in the head?” he asked seriously. I burst out laughing and told him he probably wasn’t big enough to worry about that.
A lot of the men I dated actually respected that I was working and supporting myself on my own. They saw it as a positive that I was so independent, and weren’t freaked out by my pregnancy.
Finding a winner
Eventually, I met a cop online—I'll refer to him by his nickname, Miami.
With the other guys, I wasn’t at all nervous to tell them I was having a baby. I didn’t feel like I needed them, so if they weren’t into it, that was okay. But with Miami, I hoped it wouldn’t push him away.
I spilled the beans about two weeks after we started seeing each other. It was still early in my pregnancy, so I got sick a lot. One night, he wanted to make paella, and I told him just the smell of the seafood would make me nauseous. He joked that I was pregnant.
“Um yeah…I am,” I said. He looked back at me. It took him a minute to absorb what I’d said. “Okay…but that doesn’t change how things are with us, right?” he asked. His response was amazing.
Of course, there were a few bumps in the road. He asked me about the dad, and wondered whether he should be involved in some way. But we talked through things, and he wanted us to keep dating. He was also very fond of the fact that pregnancy can make your sex drive higher. “Can we test that?!” he asked.
Neither of us wanted to put pressure on things by saying he would be in my baby’s life or not, so we kept it casual. But he started to get excited about the little boy on the way. He bought way more baby clothes than I ever could have needed, diapers, and a crib. He wasn’t a dad yet, so my pregnancy was his first time in this situation, and it was cute to watch his excitement and enthusiasm.
Dealing with drama
Unfortunately, the father of my son entered the picture again about halfway through my pregnancy. He wanted to get involved, and I told him that he could be in my son’s life, but that I didn’t want us to be a couple anymore. Still, when he was around, Miami got jealous, and there was a lot of tension between everyone. Eventually, Miami decided to back off and let the dad take over, but of course, it didn’t work out.
I got into a terrible car accident when I was about seven months pregnant. I was T-boned, and had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. I called the father, and he never showed up. It was the last I heard from him. Thankfully, I called Miami and he was there for me. A few days later, I had to have an emergency surgery to give birth to my baby, who was only two pounds. Somehow, we both survived.
Ironically, my baby looked like Miami, too. People would stop us when we were out with him and say how cute he was, and how much he resembled his dad. Miami would just smile. “Thank you, but he’s not mine,” he’d say.
In retrospect...
Even though we didn’t end up together forever, I’m so thankful for the support Miami gave me during that time. The father of my child was not there for me, and Miami made me feel less alone as a single mom.
Still, I wouldn’t necessarily get so involved with anyone during my pregnancy if I did it over again. Being with Miami–and then having my ex come back into my life–made for an extremely stressful situation, and I didn’t want that for my baby. In the end, I feel like I should have taken care of me first.
Dating while pregnant was interesting, to say the least, and I learned a lot about myself, the types of guys I was choosing, and what I really wanted. Having a young kid and another baby on the way made me much more selective, and that was a plus. I never went into it thinking I would actually meet someone special, but then Miami came along, and being pregnant just wasn’t an issue.
