Next time you’re chatting up a woman, open with humor. It’ll go over better than you may think.
Turns out men have a hard time knowing how women respond to different pickup lines, according to a recent study from the University of Edinburgh.
In particular, the study said men can’t guess how well humor and sexual innuendo will go over with women.
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Humor works. We’re not talking Carrot Top prop-comedy. Think dry wit, like Noel Coward. And if you have to look him up, that’s great—you’ll have something to talk about with her.
“The best pickup lines are the ones that are just so stupid you have to laugh, and that laughing will hopefully turn into an actual conversation,” says Raechelle, 22, of Atlanta.
Sexual talk, on the other hand, doesn't work—though many men continue to think so.
Here’s a short summary, through the prism of Lisa Daily, a dating expert and author of Stop Getting Dumped! Being funny “gives” women something (a laugh), while sexual innuendo implies you want to “get” something from women (sex).
Here’s how the study worked: Men and women were shown 40 situations in which a man tried to start a conversation with a woman. The men and women rated each situation on how likely they thought the woman would be to continue the interaction.
The lines that the men tried fell into four categories: sexual, humorous, complimentary, or something that indicated he was a “good mate”—such as discussing a painting at an art gallery or asking a female jogger who tripped if she was okay.
Turns out that—surprise, surprise—men and women rated the scenarios differently.
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Men overestimated how successful sexually explicit lines such as the candid, “Look, we get on pretty well, and I was just wondering if you want to have sex with me tonight?” would go over.
And men underestimated how positively women would react to comments that displayed positive traits like kindness, wealth, and honesty.
Women also gave higher ratings to humorous approaches (“Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too. . . ”) than men thought they would.
What Doesn’t Work
Most sexual pickup lines don’t work because they indicate you only want one thing—and that’s not what women are looking for, says Susan Rabin, director of schoolofflirting.com and author of 101 Ways to Flirt.
“Women don’t like to be sex objects,” she says. “Men are very visual, and they see sex when they see a woman. It may be on your mind, but keep it off your mouth.”
Being overly confident that a woman wants to sleep with you is a turn-off, says Daily. With most women, sexually explicit pickup lines have the opposite effect of what you’re hoping for—they repel women. Tone down the sex talk and you’re likely to get more action.
“Women also tend to think that men who use these types of pickup lines have no depth. They’re just a penis looking for a place to land,” she says.
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What Might Work
Sometimes a compliment is the best way to approach a woman. But not something cheesy, such as “Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I’m lost at sea.”
Be sincere and specific, and avoid commenting on physical attributes, Daily says. “Compliments work if they are honest, relatively unique to us, and not sexually charged. In other words, compliment her shoes, her wit, or her knowledge of kickboxing or the stock market. Not her fantastic lips or her fabulous body. Save those for when you know us better—a lot better.”
If you begin a conversation by complimenting a woman’s appearance, she may think you're only out for one thing, says Caroline Tiger, author of How to Behave: Dating and Sex.
And don’t go overboard.
“Calling us beautiful is not bad,” says Trina, 26, of Syracuse, New York. “Calling us the most beautiful girl you have ever seen is terrible. We are not in denial. We check out other women. No matter how good a girl looks or thinks she looks, she knows that there are hotter, more beautiful chicks around. Don’t lie to us!”
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What Usually Works
“Sincerity is what really gets a girl’s attention. Simple conversation is great,” says Sara, 23, of Chicago.
Women in the study rated pickup lines in which the man revealed something about his character, personality, or interests higher than men thought they would. Using this approach gives the woman an idea of how you’ll treat her if you start dating.
“In relationships, all women want a guy who cares about their well-being,” Daily says. “If our first experience with him shows he is a nice, considerate guy, we don’t feel like we have to keep our guard up around him. Which means it’s easier for a guy to get to know us and progress the relationship.
“No woman ever wants to feel like she is simply a target for sex,” Daily adds. “Most women want to be with a nice guy—if you give us a glimpse of this in the beginning, you’ll have us hooked.
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“It’s far more intriguing to discover the sexy side of a nice guy than it is to learn that the all-about-sex guy has a nice side.”
You can show off your “good mate” qualities by taking interest in whatever she’s doing. In the study, asking a women at a bookstore about the paperback she was looking at and talking to a woman at an art museum about the painting she was admiring were both scored favorably by women.
This doesn’t mean you have to start reading Shakespeare or studying Monet to attract a woman. In fact, namedropping in the wrong situation—such as quoting Byron in a bar—will most likely make you appear pompous instead of intellectual. (Quoting Noel Coward? Okay, a little pretentious, but at least amusing.)
However, you can use the “what are you reading?” strategy in places outside of the library. Just ask her a question or make a comment about whatever she’s doing, whether it’s the lecture you're attending or what she’s drinking, Rabin says.
What Always Works
Don’t underestimate the power of humor. Women in the study rated funny pickup lines more favorably than men did. Using the right kind of humor can be a great conversation starter.
“People want to be with somebody who makes them laugh,” Tiger says. “It’s easier for somebody to accept you or to continue the conversation when you initiate it with a laugh.”
Rabin suggests saying something funny that's relevant to where you are and what you’re doing. But avoid sarcasm because it can put people off.
A light joke also shows you put some thought into your approach.
Related: 3 Ways to Tell Better Jokes
“One reason the ‘humorous’ pickup is successful is because you are giving us something—a laugh—rather than trying to get something from us—sex—in the first few minutes you meet us. If you’re trying to make us laugh, you’re making an effort, which can be immensely appealing,” Daily says.
She has one warning, though: “Don’t try this approach if you’re not funny. If you’re not getting real laughs, or if you find yourself saying ‘Get it?’ even once, it’s time to switch strategies. Remember: Funny is sexy. Not funny is annoying.”
The Best Strategy: No Pickup Lines
What other approaches do women prefer?
“Conversation, conversation, conversation. It actually makes us girls think you are interested, so get good at acting interested. We like to talk,” says Trina. “Let her hear you tell your friends you think she is hot. I am telling you, this works like a charm.
“Girls love to think that guys are talking about them. When they overhear you talking about them, it is a huge turn-on—just don’t make it too obvious.”
Tiger also says approaching her friends first is a good idea. “You’ll be less nervous about starting that conversation and may be more natural. And talk like she’s a real person, not an object of your sex admiration.”
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If you’re nervous or believe you’re a less-than-stellar conversationalist, recruit a friend to help start the discussion—and to make you look good, Tiger says.
Also watch her body language for clues to tell if she’s interested in your or if she wishes you’d go away. Eye contact and turning her body toward you are good signs. Appearing distracted or angling herself toward her group of friends? Not so good.
“Do a little long-distance flirting first, to see if she might be interested. If she smiles, holds eye contact for more than 3 seconds, flips her hair, or exposes her neck, she probably has at least some interest,” Daily says.
“Then move about half the distance between you and see if the flirting continues. If she looks longer or smiles more, make the move to approach her. Pay attention to her body language. If she’s shutting you down, you might want to move on.”
“A modest smile and acknowledging tilt of the head works for me,” says Kathleen, 22, of Shillington, Pa. “If I reciprocate, a respectful approach and down-to-earth, fun conversation and flirting from there on out.”
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Of course, you can never guess what approach each woman prefers, but a smile is always good.
“If you’re Brad Pitt, anything you say would work. But most average men have to be careful with what you say,” Rabin says. “A smile is always a great approach. It’s the universal flirting skill, and it diffuses negativity.”
