Red Flags to Watch Out for When You Meet His Family

We learn how to interact from our families and tend to adopt similar ways of communicating, responding to conflict, and expressing anger, says Cilona. And if your guy grew up in a family where yelling was how people made their point, he may internalize that and do the same. If you realize this applies to your guy, it’s important to tell him if you’re not OK with this method of conflict “resolution”—and to express how you'd prefer to communicate about issues, says Cilona.

RELATED: Are You the Victim of Verbal Abuse Without Even Knowing It?

Whether your guy wants to spend all of his time with his family or they want to get all up in his business, a lack of boundaries can get really old once things get serious between you, says licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?  If either of these scenarios are the case, “it may mean that your decisions as a couple will involve his family,” says Durvasula. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's worth having a conversation about what should stay between the two of you. 

“If jokes and humor repeatedly cross the line, it could indicate unhealthy dynamics in communication,” says Cilona. The real red flag here is if his fam is firing repeated insults. So if your partner’s brother makes a joke once about the fact that your S.O. has gained a little weight, it’s not as big of a deal as bringing it up several times or bringing other family members into it. If you notice this, ask your partner what he thought about the "jokes" and go from there.

RELATED: 6 Things You and Your Partner Should Talk About Every Day

Disrespecting a dude in front of someone he’s trying to impress is just crappy behavior, says Durvasula. And if he also does it—for example, pointing out that his sister flunked ninth grade or trash-talking his parents right in front of them—that's a sign of a problem. “It's just a matter of time before he treats you the same way,” says Durvasula. Cilona recommends taking a step back and categorizing the interactions you witnessed as “respectful” or “disrespectful.” If there were plenty that fell into the latter category, you need to have a chat about why that's not cool.

This one is subtler, Cilona says, but it’s important. “Pay close attention to your own reactions to your partner’s family members and family relationships,” he says. “Lingering feelings of unease and discomfort might be a reaction to troubling relationship dynamics that aren't obvious at first.” Try to pinpoint hte problem by paying careful attention to what's giving you pause, she says.

RELATED: 8 Women Share the Craziest Sh*t Their Mothers-in-Law Have Ever Done

Of course, plenty of great people come from dysfunctional families, and just because your guy's fam has some red flags doesn’t mean he’s going to be a terrible partner. “Strained or unhealthy family relationship dynamics do not always carry into romantic relationships,” Cilona says. “Many people do not succumb to repeating unhealthy patterns in other relationships.”   

Durvasula agrees: “A screwy family should not be a permanent red mark on your record.”

That being said, it’s important to talk about things you notice, if only because they made you feel uncomfortable. “If these dialogues are generally positive and productive, it’s less likely that the red flags will end up influencing your relationship,” says Cilona.