The Commmonsense Guide to Grooming

To be a man in the grooming aisle, the hair salon, or the day spa (if you're so inclined) is to be a man confused. So many choices that so many people insist are beneficial or even necessary. With all the things a man can do, it's gotten nearly impossible to determine which things he should. It can be intimidating — and kind of annoying. So we tried them. All of them, from under-eye serums to facials. In the following pages are thirty-three balms, dyes, and procedures that men are either doing or being told to do, along with our assessment of each (conveniently categorized as something to do always, sometimes, or never). Check it out. Maybe try a few for yourself. Or don't. We just want you to be happy. And informed.

Over the last five years, it's seemed like everything you can buy for your face — aftershave, moisturizer, sparkly eye shadow — has an added element: the promise of youth. Antiaging compounds are in nearly everything, and for good reason: They work. And they're worth considering, especially after you hit thirty, when collagen levels decrease and your skin really starts to lose elasticity. According to Beverly Hills dermatologist Harold Lancer, three effective ingredients are polyphenols (to reduce redness and swelling), coenzyme Q10 (to repair damaged skin cells and bind to harmful waste products in your skin and push them to the surface, where they can shed), and alpha hydroxy acids (to help your skin shed evenly and promote even skin tone). In drastic cases, ask your dermatologist to prescribe Retin-A or Renova. We like: Anthony Logistics for Men All-Purpose Moisturizer ($27; anthony.com). Or if you happen to be rich, Sisleum for Men Revitalizer ($265; sisleyumformen.com).

Laser hair removal has made great improvements in the past year. According to Dr. Jeffrey Dover, associate clinical professor of dermatology at Yale School of Medicine, the new machines can do your entire back in fifteen minutes (as opposed to an hour). Plus, they now can treat all skin types and most hair colors, although it's still not good for blond or white. Treatment sessions run anywhere from a few hundred to a thousand dollars. Six sessions will get you a lot less and a lot finer hair, but remember: It does not completely get rid of hair. And never go in with a tan. The laser seeks pigment, and it can't tell the difference between hair and skin.

There is really only one rule for your eyebrows: They shouldn't touch in the middle. You are, of course, welcome to do more. In fact, some experts, like groomer of famous people Ramy Gafni, encourage it. Below are five steps he recommends.

1. Lay a comb along one side of your nose, then the other. Your eyebrows should begin just inside wherever the comb crosses them.

2. Clean the bottom line of your brow, removing any stray hairs. But don't pull out too much or you risk giving your brows shape.

3. Comb your brows up and then down, using clippers to trim the excess length along your brow line.

4. Don't pluck gray hairs. Cut them short to avoid leaving gaps.

5. Tweeze any strays that grow outside the expected eyebrow zone — like your temples or forehead.

It conditions and softens your beard, but mostly it's a subtle cologne. Try Dude No. 1 ($65; mcmcfragrances.com). It may have a terrible name, but it smells great. And so will you.

The joy, pain, and controlled substances of cosmetic dentistry

By Peter Martin

As tempted as I am to smile on the walk home from the dentist, to show off the results of a process I spent the last two hours wishing would be over, I know it's a bad idea. The last thing my doctor said as I left his office (right after he handed me a couple Vicodin) was to keep my mouth shut. Whitening makes your teeth temporarily sensitive to cold and wind.

My visit was one of vanity, not necessity. My teeth have never been mistaken for candy corn, but like laundry detergent manufacturers and racists, I have always thought things could be whiter. In the past fifteen years, professional whitening has increased by 300 percent. Maybe it's all the people prepping for new reality shows. More likely, we're just realizing the truth: Over-the-counter whiteners don't work all that well. Yeah, OTC treatments are safe, require a less-ridiculous time commitment (instead of seven days of thirty-minute applications, new Crest 3D White 2-Hour Express White-strips take only two hours), and, compared with the $400 you'll spend at your dentist, are somewhat cheap. But according to New York cosmetic dentist Dr. Michael Apa, OTC whiteners improve your tooth color by only two shades on average. Most people aren't going to notice.

Which is why one morning I sat through nearly all of The Bourne Identity with protective shields over my eyes and gums, trying not to look at the hot light of the laser-whitening machine as a piercing ache rolled through my teeth every ten minutes. (As a general rule, the younger you are, the more sensitive your teeth will be to the process. But there's really no telling.) When it was finally time to leave, my teeth were gleaming — like fresh-fallen snow in a nuclear winter. But that was short-lived — and the result of dehydration. In a day my teeth dulled to a less frightening color. And I was disappointed. As self-conscious as I was when my teeth could serve as a light source, soon I could no longer see the difference. It's a testament to the human body's ability to adapt to change — and a reason to wonder about going back next year.

For any body part you wouldn't be comfortable exposing at a church picnic, no waxing. Unless you happen to be dating one, gruff Russian women have no business around your personal regions. Some attention with electric clippers (that you don't also use as a beard trimmer) seems appropriate. With what women go through, it's the least you can do. But don't get carried away. We're talking trimming back the hedges in order to keep a tidy lawn, not cultivating topiary. It helps to think of manscaping the way you think of a manicure: You don't want your hands to look like you don't care about them. But you also don't want it to be too apparent that you do. Also, never say manscaping.

Companies like Kiehls now market facial masks to men as much as to women. They say it provides a deeper clean than face wash. Here's how to use one:

1. Wash your face. Towel dry.

2. Apply mask.

3. Run into the living room and playfully scare the kids!

4. After ten minutes, rinse.

5. Moisturize.

This is hard to support. Because while you don't want to look like you ignore your hands or feet, you also don't want to look like you pamper them. If you feel like paying for something you can do at home, by all means. But for the rest of us, proper hand and foot care can be easily summarized: Cut your nails. And if you think about it, maybe rub your heels with a pumice stone.

None of these men should remind you of you.

A good moisturizer like ClarinsMen Super Moisture Gel ($25; clarins.com) not only smooths out your skin and can mask imperfections, it acts as a barrier, blocking out germs and protecting you from any jokes made by people who may not respect you for moisturizing. Apply after showering, when your skin is still slightly wet. It'll trap more moisture in.

Eye creams can help reduce dark circles, but so can limiting your caffeine intake.

The first two involved narcotics and fast cars. This time it's Botox, Juvéderm, and Restylane.

By David Curcurito

A needle is coming right at my eye. I swear it's going right into the iris, but Dr. Pearlman plunges it in just below the bags that have become a permanent accessory to my lower eyelid. Even though I had two shots of lidocaine to numb my face, I can feel the needle puncture my skin. And I can hear it. He squeezes the syringe of Juvéderm and it makes a crinkling noise amplified by my skull, like he's shooting tiny shards of glass into my face. Three times under the left eye, three times under the right. Then he kneads my face as if it were putty. This will fill the ridge under my bags to make them disappear.

I moisturize every day. I even spend a little extra money on the face products. But man, I think I'm starting to look like a withering piece of fruit. I'm all for growing old with dignity, but maybe not this fast. Dr. Pearlman tells me that a lot of men are doing this now and that their expectations are much greater than women's. I don't have any expectations, just a fear that this will mess me up. I told my mother I was going to do this. She called me a pussy. She told me to think about men who wore their faces with dignity. I can only think of Sylvester Stallone and Marty Feldman.

A needle is coming right at my eye again. This time it goes into my brow. The Botox goes in, needle comes out. Repeat. Botox blocks nerve endings attached to the muscles that force your brow/forehead/whatever to contract. By blocking them, the muscles can relax, and the wrinkles that lock into place as you get older — like the "11" between my brows — ease up. My imagination is taking off. I can feel the nerves dying, curling into themselves like when you spray weed killer on a dandelion in your driveway. Dr. Pearlman's assistant is wiping my face and smiling like I'm a little boy whose face is dirty. It's bloody, actually.

Oh, Jesus, we're not done. More needles go into my cheeks — Restylane to puff them up and pull them a little higher, alleviating the smile lines around my mouth. Then some filler right in those ridges. More massages follow. More wiping. $1,830 for twenty-four units of Botox, 1cc of Juvéderm, and 1cc of Restylane. My face hurts, and my eyes are turning slightly black and blue. You can see all the needle marks on my cheeks; I look like a white Morgan Freeman. Apply ice for swelling. Try to fool everyone for four to five months.

I don't feel younger, just less puffy. And while not everyone has noticed the difference, I do feel good. Like I got a really nice, really expensive haircut. Although I've never had a haircut that hurt this much.

Veneers are the quickest way to fix your teeth, whether they're yellow, crooked, or anything less than the size of Chiclets. According to cosmetic dentist Dr. Michael Apa, a full set of veneers — usually the upper ten teeth, since those are most often visible — can be added in a week (two two-hour appointments and a couple follow-ups). And they don't actually look like Chiclets now: Guys like Apa often hand-design teeth to look like your own, only perfecter. Just remember that veneers are permanent. You'll have to see your dentist three times a year instead of two, and as for cost, expect to spend the same as you would for a semester at a private college. On the plus side, your new teeth last twenty years, giving you a fair shot at paying them off right around the time they have to be replaced.

The choppy textured mess that's passed as a haircut for the past decade has cleaned up. A bit. By adding a little more length and a distinct part, your haircut can still look relaxed but also polished. Think Ryan Seacrest or a modern Cary Grant.

How to ask for it: The sides should be tapered with scissors, not clippers, and short enough that you don't need to comb them back. Have the top cut just long enough to comb over. And you don't want loft. Redken Structure Wax ($21; redken.com) or Murray's pomade ($3; murrayspomade.com) will give it shine. —Rodney Cutler

Over the last year or two, many grooming companies have followed the Pert Plus trend, packing multiple products in one bottle. They're not quite as good as separate products, but they are more convenient. Dove Men + Care has a body wash ($5; dovemencare.com) you can also use on your face without drying it out, and Nivea for Men makes an inexpensive shampoo/body wash/shaving cream ($6; drugstore.com) that — somehow — actually works as all three.

According to our grooming expert, Rodney Cutler, having their hair dyed is the number-one new thing men are now asking for. Most are between forty and sixty years old, and most do it to cover gray. If applicable (and you're interested), your goal should be within two shades of your original color. Too dark and it looks like you applied shoe polish to your hair. Too light and it will look gold. Always opt for an ash tone, which looks more natural. If you're covering gray, don't cover all of it. Just add a little pepper to your salt with something like Redken's Color Camo ($15; redken.com).

It's best not to get carried away.

1. Face: Whatever you choose to do, look like you care.

2. Back: Never with a razor. Back stubble is worse than back hair.

3. Chest: One benefit of chest hair: It helps hide a doughy physique.

4. Other: For what she goes through, a little effort is the least you can do.

5. Arms/Legs: Swimmers and triathletes only. And no, a weekend bike ride doesn't count.

6. Armpits: Whatever you choose to do, look like you don't care.

7. Toes: Only if you look part hobbit.

Sure, a facial cleans and hydrates your skin and clears your pores. Getting one also seems to make your wife happy — but so does Bethenny Ever After. If you're really worried about your pores, try a mask.

Which of the following are acceptable places to trim your nails?

A. Subway

B. Baseball game

C. Library

D. Bathroom

Click "View Larger" for the answer